It was a beautiful morning in late September. When I started my day, I never expected my life to change so drastically in less than a matter of 30 seconds. I was driving up Loveland Pass to Denver when a semi truck coming downhill took a corner too fast. I watched as his trailer tipped, then jackknifed, and finally flip on its side sliding towards me with no control to stop. I had 30 seconds to make a decision that would lead to my survival and accept my fate. We’ve all heard that cliche saying that your life flashes before your eyes before you die. They aren’t wrong. And the fight or flight response is instinctual. In those moments all I had was hope that what I did would keep me alive and if it didn’t I had to be content with what I had done with my life up to that point. I did the only thing I could do and that was go thru the obstacle in front of me. I came out of that trailer, rolled downhill and was saved by a tree stopping my truck. Waking up after closing your eyes expecting not to is surreal. I never lost consciousness and I remember almost every detail of this experience. I walked out of that truck on my own. I knew I had broken my hip but had no idea the extent of my injuries or the mental trauma it was cause.
My accident was just that, an accident, may it be one of negligence. I survived with a crush-fractured pelvis in three places, shattered ribs 9-12, punctured lung, stage 3 laceration of my spleen, stage 4 laceration of my kidney. It is no understatement I am lucky to be alive. After being admitted to the local hospital and getting a body scan they realized the seriousness of my injuries. I was immediately flight for life to Denver. Upon being received at the trauma hospital it was chaos. I was rushed in, striped of my clothes, had 5 nurses washing vomit out of my hair, picking out glass from my skin, cleaning my wounds, attaching IVs. It was the most overwhelming experience of my life and it paved the way for my mental status while being admitted in the hospital. I spent 5 days in the Intensive Care Unit and another 2 days in the hospital. To say my recovery was hard is not to encompass the true depth of that struggle. When you’re being treated for a life treating injury the only goal of that treatment is to keep you alive. There is no therapy while in ICU. There is no compassion towards the mental trauma the patient is experiencing. There is no preparation for the emotional recovery of such a trauma. The body heals, that’s its job. The mind is very different. I never would have understood that until I experienced it myself.
I may have not sustained a TBI, but I did sustain serious mental repercussions. During the first few months of my recovery I experienced regular migraines, trouble focusing my eyes (I know wear glasses), when trying to sleep I would relive the moments before impact in dreams, turbulent emotional ups and downs; loss of patience, deep endless anger, uncontrollable crying and an ultimate feeling of loss. I took it out on those closest to me. I guess I always thought that life threatening experiences changed you in a grateful positive way. That wasn’t my experience. I became the opposite of who I was. I felt like I wasn’t in control of my own mindset. I struggled with being MYSELF. I felt like I lost myself to this new emotional reaction. My mental recovery took far longer than any of the physical. It’s a fact the doctors do not tell you or prepare you for. It’s also something Physical Therapists aren’t allowed to discuss, by law. Separating the two makes the recovery twice as long.
Kelsey and I grew very close during this time because she had already experienced this stage in her recovery. We talked a lot about how we were feeling and how it was effecting us. Without her support and being able to relate to me 100% I don’t think I would have been able to recover the way I did. I didn’t feel comfortable talking with a stranger and probably never would have sought that help. She helped me find strength in feeling lack of control. I knew I could always call her when I had one of those days to truly understand what I was going thru. That support is priceless.
I found solace in my yoga practice as hard as it was some days. I found comfort in nature and being alone. I wrote down my thoughts so they wouldn’t consume me. I allowed myself to work thru all the negativity without judging myself. I encouraged myself to feel what I was feeling when I felt it so I could move thru it. It was not easy, still some days I feel it never will be. I may never truly be the person I was before this experience, but at the end of the day if I don't changed and grow then the experience really didn’t teach me anything and I would have to learn it all over again. After 3 1/2 years I can say that daily I finally feel like MYSELF again. It’s not to say I don’t have my moments, my flashbacks. But now I am in control and I am stronger than what I have gone thru because I am here on the other side still standing, and taller than before. This is not always the case. It takes discipline and determination to survive this. Its easy to let it overcome you.
Injury isn’t just physical. There is a process to recovery. As an injury therapist this experience helped me become a better therapist to my clients, to truly relate; not just the physical and to better understand the mental. This experience taught me patience. It gave me strength. At Save A Brain I hope I can offer even just a fraction of that to others. You are not alone. We truly know what you are going thru here. That support is more priceless than any treatment.